Space Oddity
by Miss Corrine
Summary: "I wonder if this is how Major Tom, from the song Space Oddity by Bowie, felt cause I feel like it's a very apt description right now." The thoughts of Tony Stark. Spoilers from new Avengers trailer inside.


*** Warning! This contains spoilers for the new Avengers trailer. If you have not seen it go watch it and then come back. ***

 **Author's Note:** I wrote this in between classes and study time today. I was in a bit of a rush to get it out so it's probably going to have some errors as I didn't do as through editing as normal nor did I have an outline for this. Warning, I'm not that great at grammar in any form. I'm also not the best at editing and I have no beta.

When I saw the trailer I knew I had to write something. Then I thought of the song Space Oddity and this was born. I'm not even sure what to call this as it's just Tony and his ramblings as he looks back on his life in his few hours of life left. Or, the few hours he thinks he has left according to the trailer.

This is going to contain some of my theories and ideas about Tony's life, specifically childhood to young adulthood. Also just a few of my ideas to fill the gaps and info between movies. I want to give you heads up, this is also going to have Team Iron Man leanings so Team Cap beware. Also, tons of angst. Let's begin.

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 **Disclaimer: I do not own MCU or** _ **Space Oddity**_ **. I make no profits from this work**

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 **Space Oddity**

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Tony stared at his helmet. Scuffed up, dented, scorched, and missing a few pieces. Tony wasn't sure if he was describing his helmet or himself. He shifted and winced, the stab wound from Thanos was only half healed and barely held together by the medical supplies he managed to scavenge.

The message for Pepper was safe, recorded and stored on his helmet, even if he wasn't sure she'd ever get it. The eyes of the helmet haunted him. It seemed to be reminding him, _look what has happened, all of it, your fault._ He saw what was beyond the wormhole all those years ago (was it only just six years ago?) and everything he did to try and prepare the world, to keep it safe, failed. Images of Ultron, Sokovia, Leipzig, Siberia, and now Strange, the Guardians, and …. oh God, _Peter_ , flashed through his head. He had tried but it was never enough. Nothing was ever enough. He was the Futurist, he should've prepared better, after all he did expect something to come. He had messed up, hadn't he?

His fingers twitched. There should be enough storage space on his helmet for another message, right? Look at him. He designed the suit, he should know if there is storage. The lack of oxygen was finally getting to him he couldn't help but note bitterly to himself.

Tony leaned forward and reached inside the helmet. Switching a flip, he leaned back and let the helmet scan him before a light turned on, signalling it was recording. Inhale. Exhale.

"I don't know why I'm doing this. Self recriminations? Inflict pain on myself by remembering everything that has gone wrong? A confession before the end to… clear my conscious? An attempt at catharsis? I'm not sure. I guess drifting in space for Hell knows how long does that to you."

Tony paused. He wasn't sure what to say. Inhale. Exhale.

"I became Iron Man to right wrongs. My company was dealing under the table and I did not even have a hint of knowing what was going on. Afghanistan happened and I found my world view…changed. I could not sit back and … let this continue. So I became Iron Man. Then … I couldn't stop. I felt that I had a duty to continue.

"Then… New York. I became… burdened with, no, that makes me sound like… _him_. I saw things I could never imagine and that have haunted me since. I thought, I could do… something to … protect Earth. The PTSD did not help and Iron Man became the… outlet for it. So I created Ultron from and… we know… what happened.

"I felt guilty beyond belief. I always have. That is what… drives me, I guess. It didn't start with Ultron… that just exasperated it. Then, the Accords came.

"Legislation has always been proposed to monitor people like me, people like the Avengers, since I became Iron Man. The SHIELD data dump… started the push for legislation and Sokovia and Ultron brought it to the forefront… of the global scale. I thought I could do good with the Accords. They were about responsibility, consequences, and accounting for actions and not just for the Avengers. They were meant to protect civilians and prevent as much collateral damage as possible. Collateral damage… I hate that phrase. There are people, families, communities, and livelihoods destroyed by the crossfire. The Accords were meant to prevent that. Then, Lagos happened and…

"Then… the Accords were rushed through and ratified two years before schedule. They weren't ready. Not everything was looked over with a fine tooth comb and debated as it had before… but amendments could be made… I thought… I thought they could still work.

"But Ross, Thunderbolt, not Everett, he's the good one, and others like him managed to manipulate people's fears and add things to the Accords that were never planned. That never should've been added. Registration… tracking… biological samples…no, that was never meant to happen.

"How the hell Ross became Secretary of State is still mystifying after all he's done from Culver to Hoboken. Did you know… he was the only qualified person left after the SHIELD info dump? Anyways…

"I thought the others would agree with me. After all, we were formed to _protect_ but no. Only Rhodey agreed with me fully. Then… the Civil War as it has been called.

"God, it never should've happen. We should've been able to talk things out like adults. But… Aunt Peggy died and… Bucky, his Bucky, was in danger. I wonder if our fight was ever about the Accords and not just him, Steve, trying to protect his friend. So much just… happened."

Tony inhaled and held it. He couldn't… he couldn't go in to detail. Too… painful. Exhale.

"Long story short, Rhodey ends up with a broken back. I end up with multiple broken ribs, a concussion, hairline fractures galore, nearly go into cardiac arrest, and stranded for hours because of a disabled suit until Vision could retrieve me after I watched my Mum and my fath...Howar...Dad get murdered with their killer behind me _in the same room_."

Tony took a deep breath and closed, trying to center himself as a wave of panic overtook him. He could still hear them… hear them dying… in the back of his mind. He opened his eyes.

"I forgive him… Barnes, I mean. He was a P.O.W who was tortured and brainwashed for roughly seventy years. Logically, I know he didn't have a choice. But emotionally, I can't even describe it… it was just so… _raw_. He killed them… he killed my _Mum_. And I had to watch him do it, hear him do, and all Rogers did was make it about him and Bucky after _I watched them die_."

Tony stopped and breathed again. His hands shook and he was fairly sure he was beginning to cry. _Starks are made of iron_ , his father's voice echoed in his head. _I'm not_ , thought Tony.

"I can't… talk… about… _that_ anymore. I just know… I forgive Barnes even if the wound is still there. Huh, look at me, I'm being a mature adult. I bet Rhodey and Pep never thought that would happen."

Tony bent his head down and ran his fingers through his hair. For a moment, he could imagine it was his mum's fingers running through his hair.

"I miss them. My mum and… Dad. God, how weird is it to call him that. He's been Howard for the longest time.

"Dad… was not the best. He was never home. Always at work, looking for Rogers, or in his lab. He was always so… closed off. I did everything I could to please him, get him to acknowledge me. All I got was stoicism unless he had a few drinks to many. Dad had a fondness for alcohol, a well hidden one, but still a fondness that got out a control at times. Mum though…."

Tony smiled, thinking of her.

"Mum was the best. She was from a middle class family of Italian descent during a time when Italians weren't all that welcome in America. She worked her ass off to get to college and get through it. She had grace, dignity, class, refinement, all the qualities of a lady. She could play the piano _beautifully_ , almost better than any concert pianist. She could dance and sing. Yet she was stubborn, determined, and strong as hell. She could talk business better than most business men. She never backed down. She was as tough as diamond. I think that was what drew dad to her. She was feminine but also strong, she could be both a business partner but also a wife. A complementing opposite to him in a way."

Tony paused. Pepper was a lot like Mum. Maybe men do look for wives that are like their mothers.

"She played hostess, the dutiful wife, gave the company a softer side, she worked with charity, and even helped run the company, she was practically the head of PR. She did everything.

"She was a good mum to, capable of balancing Dad out. She always made time for me despite her busy schedule. Yet, she made time for me everyday, even if it was only ten or fifteen minutes some days. She'd listen to me talk science even if she didn't fully understand what I was saying, she taught me to play the piano, and she dealt with all my shit."

Tony paused again. He let himself think about his mum and everything about her. A thought strayed into his head, something that he'd been thinking about before this latest mess happened.

"I wonder if me and Pep would've been good parents. Originally, the thought use to terrify me. That I'd be confronted with a child from a one night stand. I was terrified of being a father. That I'd be like my own father. But after being with Pepper and time passing by I couldn't but start to think about it."

Tony let his mind wander with his thoughts a child that could've been. A dream he kept to himself.

"I like to imagine we would've had a little girl. She'd have Pep's red hair, maybe my eyes, my mum's smile, and the cutest freckles. I'd like to think she'd be named Mary-Ann. Mary as a diminutive of mum's name and Ann for Aunt Ana, Jarvis's - human Jarvis's- wife. She'd have two middle names. Margaret for Aunt Peggy and Morgan for Pep's uncle like in the dream I had.

"Rhodey would've been the godfather without a doubt. I've seen him with his nieces and nephews, he's good with kids. Even if he wasn't, I think he'd be good with mine."

Tony let out a sigh.

"Oh, Rhodey… I hope you're safe. I hope you're still here, still alive. You've watched my back and tried to keep my ass out of trouble for years, ever since we met at M.I.T.

"I like to think you'd laugh as me and Pep's kid grew up. She'd be causing chaos and you'd say it was payback for all the trouble I caused as a teenager. Then you'd say _something_ and she'd calm down and be a little angel. She'd have had you around her little finger, though. But...that's never going to happen now.

"Half the universe is gone and I'm going to die soon, probably. I never imagined I'd go like this. I use to wonder how I'd die. I use to think the drugs or the alcohol in college and after Mum and Dad died would kill me. An overdose would be my end. Then, I use to think I might die in battle like the warriors in the tales Thor told when he visited Earth. I'd die trying to protect the world. But now, I'm gonna die alone, in space."

Tony took a shuddering breath as his hands shook.

"I'm the only one left now. At least, from my end. Strange, the Guardians, they're dead, disintegrated. And Peter, oh God, _Peter_. He was just a kid."

Tony choked back a sob.

"Peter was a good kid. He could've been better than me. No. He was better than me. He was a truly _good_ kid. He had so much promise, so much talent. He could've changed the world…

"I can still feel him in my arms… him turning to ash and dust… I promised him everything was going to be okay but it's not."

Tony felt tears slip down his face and let out a shaky breath.

"I'm sorry May, that I couldn't protect him. I tried, I tried so hard to keep him out of the fight and get him back to Earth but he is… was… stubborn. I'm sorry I let him, and you, down. I can't imagine what you've been feeling and are feeling as you wonder about him. You're his aunt and he was your only family left and I'm so sorry I couldn't protect him. It was my responsibility to take care of him."

Tony hesitated. There was something he wanted to say but he never did. Inhaling, he said quietly,

"Peter… was one of the closest thing I had to a child. There were so many times I nearly called him my son. Rhodey joked I treated him like my own but I don't think he realized that I felt like he was mine. I know I shouldn't say that. Peter wasn't my son, he had parents who loved him and you and his uncle but that doesn't make it any less true. I thought of him as mine. I regret never telling him, maybe I am like Dad."

Tony exhaled. That needed to be said.

"I wish I could've introduced Peter to Harley. Harley Keener. Harley is another kid I know. The two would've gotten along great. Both of them are in high school, geniuses, into science, nerds, and want to help the world. Both… have also been through rough times in their lives."

Tony stopped. He hadn't talked to him in a few months.

"I wonder what's happened to him. I haven't talked to him or his mom in a while. I hope him, his sister, and their mom are safe. Spared from… all of this."

Tony stopped and look down toward his watch. He felt a grim weight settle upon him like a cloak.

"Well, the end is coming closer. I'll be out of oxygen by morning. I already ran out of food and water four days ago."

Tony looked out the front of the ship and gazed out into space. Flashes of the wormhole and vision from the Scepter invaded his mind. He shook his head and continued to study the view.

"You know, it's beautiful out here. In a grim sort of way, knowing I'll be dead soon. Not sure how I feel about dying quite yet. I wonder if there's an afterlife. Mum and Aunt Ana were always more into religion than me and Dad. If they're right, though, I hope I reach the good one. Not sure if I will though.

"I wonder if this is how Major Tom, from the song _Space Oddity_ by Bowie, felt cause I feel like it's a very apt description right now."

Tony inhaled… and exhaled. He looked back at the helmet. It was still recording.

"I have just a few more things I want to say. I don't know if this will ever be found but I've already gotten this far, I might as well finish.

"Pepper, I know I left a message for you but I'll say it, I love you and I'll be thinking of you when I drift off.

"Rhodey, take care of Pepper for me. I know she doesn't need to be taken care of but please just watch out for her. And take care of yourself. I know… you're going to feel guilty, we're both like that, but take care of yourself Platypus.

"May, I've already said but I'll say it again. I am so sorry about Peter. I'm sorry I dragged him into this and I'm sorry I didn't protect him.

"Harley, kid, I hope you and your family are alright. I hope you'll continue to invent and be the genius you are.

"To the others… well. I hope you're alive. I'm still wounded, more than that actually, over the Civil War, in ways I can't express, but I hope you're alive. I hope you survived this because it's not Earth alone who needs avenging now. The universe and all the people who were lost need to be avenged and it's up to you guys. Give Thanos hell."

Tony reached forward and stopped the recording. Standing up, he walked down the steps and to the front of the ship. He gazed out at space. Quietly, he sang to himself what fit this moment,

" _And I'm floating in a most peculiar way  
And the stars look very different today  
For here  
Am I sitting in a tin can  
Far above the world  
Planet Earth is blue  
And there's nothing I can do  
Though I'm past one hundred thousand miles  
I'm feeling very still  
And I think my spaceship knows which way to go  
Tell my wife I love her very much she knows"_

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 **Author's Note:** I… did expect this to be so long or go in this direction. I did not plan most of what is in here, at all. I wanted to show what Tony might feel and think during his last hours but I wasn't expecting what I wrote to come out. The story kind of took on a mind of its own and just dragged me along. I don't even to know what to say. I just went with the idea and hope that it is good. I'll admire I'm not entirely satisfied with it though.

I'm sorry for any mistakes. I ask for constructive criticism, please. I could use it. I also just ask for reviews even if it is just someone saying, "good job" or "nice". However, I do not want trolls or anything mean spirited comments please. I hope that at least one person liked this story.

I don't know what's going to happen in the actual movie. It's probably going to make this non-canon/impossible to have happened but I don't care. I know Tony is most likely going to die but I hope he survives. I hope maybe Captain Marvel saves him from the spaceship somehow or maybe if Valkyrie survived she'll come across him. I doubt he'll die in the spaceship but you never know. I hope Tony gets a happy ending even if he most likely won't, either because he dies or Marvel likes to torture him. Well, that all.

-Miss Corrine


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